in retrospect

It’s 10pm and I’m making my way home from school. It has been a good two long weeks. Wait, I stand to correct myself – two months, maybe even longer.

I don’t exactly remember. Sometimes, I forget the dates. It seems like the world is moving extremely quickly – and yet no one bothers to pause to see what is going around them.

Perhaps it’s due to the fact that we have all become too caught up on our daily endeavours to actually ponder about the things that really matter to us.

And what matters to you?
Could it be the wish to have enough money to see your children through whatever education they’d like? Or being able to sit back on your couch to watch the grand prix over the weekend? Be able to relive your desires to be part of a string quartet, or a punk rock band?

I find myself in between dreams at this moment.

Perhaps because my little sporting pursuits since I was a kid never quite materialise into careers. I wanted ot be a pro figure skater given my interest in disney on ice, until i saw a programme at 6 of how an ice skater split his (or was it her?) skull when the partner’s blade cut through it.

The entrepreneurial side of me always wanted to venture out to run a business – any business – but the thought of failure seems to be holding me back. perhaps i’m just a scared cat that way.

My (lack thereof of a) music diploma hardly took off and my wrist remains pretty much injured till today that I wonder if it’s still worth playing on a leisure basis.

I look out the window as the car whizzes past the Sheares Bridge. And I ask myself what matters to me?

Perhaps the reason why I am in between dreams because of my desire to reach my personal goal in life. That despite people’s belief that I could possibly never be good (let alone great) at Client Servicing in advertising, to prove them that I can. And that by the time I am 35, consider (if I find myself in a cushy enough situation) to just spend my time rearing therapy dogs to help kids – the way I’ve always envisioned myself giving back.

Although this dream could potentially make me die poor someday, but at least I’ll be certain that I’ve led a relatively fulfilled life given that I can look back and check off those little boxes of what I would like to accomplish in life beyond the dollars and cents.

So… What really matters to you?

as i was sitting in the car and all at once amused by the squiggly lines turning up on my camera, i realised that i’ve fallen into a life of routine and perhaps, slight mediocrity.

sure, i have my passions. but i hardly pursue them.

of course, i still read and occasionally write by sneaking copy edits over the work i come in contact with. but i hardly write with the gusto i used to have when i got paid at least $20 to churn out a 200 word article.

i love photography. but nowadays i spend more time being in photos than actually taking them.

and what is the route to happiness one may ask?

“perhaps you could do with more money.” or “you know what you really need… .” or “maybe you just need to find out where your real interests lie.”

i obviously can’t be an ice skater since i can’t skate. no chance being a golfer since i am more accident prone than accident-free. a 1 in millionth chance to become a major photographer or copywriter.

and i realise why i’m happy despite going through a routine cycle. it is because i’m happy with what i do and feel at ease knowing that i can go to bed at night.

as much as it is about the money, in some ways, there is still nothing other than feeling the rush of joy that satisfaction brings. it is the ability to rein in the issues stacked against me and putting a sense of organised chaos to it. it is never about how much i make but how much i can gain (as much as i wished i woke up to realise i made as much as a pop star in a month). and most importantly, realising the littlest things about myself i’ve never thought i had in me.

i’m C and welcome to my world.